Baby Cathy's Life Story

How is it possible that a seemingly normal adult male can have a desire to act and dress as a baby girl? Well in my case it all began way back in the middle 1950's when I was born, for the first couple of years I guess things were normal, not that I remember, it wasn't until my brother was born that the seeds to my future were planted. I was at the stage when I was being trained not to need nappies, this I resented, mainly because it seemed that my brother was getting a lot more attention than me. A year or so later I became very poorly and had to be rushed to hospital. I can still remember the fear I had being wrapped in a bright red blanket and carried into a van. This fear was made worse by not having someone who I knew with me, Mum was out shopping and Gran had to stay with my brother. Whilst in hospital I remember wetting the bed and not understanding why they didn't put a nappy on me like the other kids. Life carried on normally for a year or so and although by now I no longer had to wear nappies for some reason I missed them. I was about 4 when my mother had some major health problems and needed to go into hospital. Since my father worked away form home and there was no one else able to look after us, my brother and me went into a children's home. Not only was I separated from my parents I was also separated from my brother because he was in the baby home and I was in the middle one. The home was a big scary place to a lonely 4-year-old and for the first few nights I wet the bed. Instead of being treated sympathetically all that happened was I was smacked for being a baby and when one day I was feeling poorly and didn't make it to the toilet in time and messed myself I was beaten. The feeling of loneliness and isolation was reinforced by the fact being the youngest in the home by about 3 or years the other children thought I was too young to play with. I used to be sent to bed just after tea on my own while the others could watch the television for an hour, televisions were very much a novelty in those days. The room I was in was right at the top the house in what I guess you could call the attic. During the day I would spend a lot of time in the playroom just looking out of the window hoping that mum and dad would come and take me home (the feeling I had then of not belonging still haunts me to this day). I also wondered what it was I had done wrong to be sent away even though I had been told the reason.

After what seemed like forever but was only about 3 weeks we went home. Things were fine until again Mum had to go into hospital and it was back to the home. The authorities told my parents if we had to return to the home for a third time it would be permanent. Sure enough mum did have to go into hospital again when I was 6. This time because of the threat my parents had been given I was sent to stay with some friends of Dad's and my brother sent to Gran's. Dad's friend's family had 4 children, two boys and two girls. All but the youngest were older than I was. Paul the youngest was born on exactly the same day as my brother. Although I was unaware of such things at the time the parents were a little eccentric. Being the early 60's the father was convinced there was going to be a nuclear war at anytime so was building a boat as a nuclear shelter. They had another peculiar thing about them and that was for some reason Paul who was 4 still had to wear a nappy to bed; they weren't ordinary nappies but coloured. We shared the same bedroom and had to go to bed at the same time. After I was tucked in. Paul's mum would get him into his nappy before tucking him in. So once again I was in a situation were someone was getting what I took as being more love than me. There was one thing that both Paul and I had in common and that was for every meal we had to wear a bib and although I complained at first I really like the feeling I got when I sat down and had the bib tied in place. I was due to spend only a couple of weeks with them but it ended up being nearer 4 months. After about a week both Paul and I developed the measles and I was rather poorly and again through no fault of my own I wet the bed on couple of occasions and again hoped that I would be made to wear a nappy.

Alas again I was denied after all it wasn't my fault I wet the bed it was because I was ill. After the measles came Chicken Pox, Scarlet Fever to be followed by the Mumps. So as you can imagine I had a rough old time of it. By this time it was Christmas and it was decided that I was too ill to go home the only problem was that the family was spending the holiday with relatives who had no room for an extra guest. Arranging for me to stay with another couple in the same road whose daughter also had the Mumps solved the problem. Now bearing in mind this was 1960, telephones and cars were a lot less common than they are today, communication was mainly by letter and since where we lived and Dad's friend lived were different towns the only way to get there was the train or bus. The weekend before Christmas, Mum and Dad came to see me. They explained that because I was poorly my brother couldn't come with them and I couldn't go home with them and would have to spend Christmas with Cathy and her parents. Reluctantly I agreed and wished Mum and Dad a merry Christmas as once again they departed from my life. A couple of days later after some frantic activity I was taken to Cathy's house and family I was staying with all piled into a taxi and off they went with me, Cathy and her mum waving goodbye.

The three of us walked through the front door and Cathy's mum closed it behind us. We went into the lounge where Cathy and I sat on the settee while her mum told me that for the duration of my stay I would be treated as one of the family. Because I was feeling a little tired I must have fallen asleep because all I remember next was Cathy's mum gently nudging me to wake me up. As I awoke she sat down beside me and took hold of my hand. Alan she said softly we have a little problem, in all the confusion of packing and loading the taxi it would seem that Paul's family has accidentally taken your suitcase on holiday. Oh I said not fully understanding the problem. "Because all your clothes were in the case I'm afraid that at some stage you will have to borrow some of Cathy's, we can't have you spending a week wearing the same clothes". At this news I started to cry and protested that I couldn't wear girl's clothes. "Sssh now there is no need to cry and no one will have to know you wore some of Cathy's things". "I don't mind you wearing my dresses" Cathy kindly volunteered. So it was that night was the first time I had ever gone to bed wearing a nightie and the feeling I had was to change my life forever. There was one other thing that bothered me and that was what had happened to my Christmas presents. I needn't have worried they had been taken to where I was staying that same weekend Mum and Dad came to see me.

Christmas Day was very quite considering that there were 2 six year olds in the house, this being due to our having the mumps. Still we did play with our new toys me with Cathy,s and she with mine with neither of us the slightest bit bothered. Nothing was done to make us play with just our own, which made a change from the experience I had at the children's home whenever I showed an interest in girls toys. All too quickly I was once again dressed in my own shirt and shorts for it was time to be reunited with the first family who had taken care of me. After a few more days with them, and again having to wear a bib at meal times I was well enough to be taken home. Nothing momentous happened for the next few months until one day Dad announced that he had accepted a new job, which meant we had to move to another town. Before we could move to our new house we had to spend sometime living in a caravan, this was Ok since it was in the country and there was lots to do. Well nothing much happened for the next couple of years except for one very embarrassing incident at school. We were standing in line waiting to go into lunch when I for some inexplicable reason wet myself; there I was standing there with this big dark patch on my light grey shorts. I put my hands down in the hope that no one would notice, but from the giggles I heard from a couple of the girls I was too late. I spent the rest of the afternoon hoping no one else would notice and that the patch would dry out. One day I was helping mum put the washing away when I came across a white towel, this gave me a idea so when the chance came I went to the airing cupboard and removed the towel and hid it under my bed clothes. Next I went to Mum's sewing box and found two large safety pins. What made me do it I will never know, but that night when I got into bed I pulled the towel between my legs and pinned it with the pins making a makeshift nappy. I spent all that night wearing it and only just remembered to remove it before getting out of bed and having my brother see it. I wore that makeshift nappy on and off for a couple of years, never using it but just enjoying the security I felt wearing it, obviously I would occasionally put it in with the laundry for washing but it would always disappear again afterwards.

As for my wearing female clothing that never happened until my mid teens, but I always felt wrong having to wear male clothes and would envy the girls being able to wear theirs and play games like netball and rounders. When I was around the age of 12 or so I went into town on my own and was looking in one particular shop and noticed that they sold nappies singularly. Since I had enough money I bought one, two shillings it cost me, at the same time I noticed some plastic baby pants and bought the largest pair they had. Since I was fast approaching being a teenager I had been given my own room so it was no trouble hiding my new purchases. You might ask what made me think that a growing lad would be able to get into a pair of baby pants, well the truth is that I was very small for my age and didn't actually start growing much until I was nearly 17. I couldn't wait for bedtime and get into my nappy. Bedtime came and up I went to my room, I soon had the nappy folded in a triangle just like I had seen done with my cousins. Imagine my disappointment when it didn't fit, there was only one thing to do and that was pin it just like I had done with the towel, I then pulled on the plastic pants and wow I felt really great. Sometime during the night I woke up wanting to go to the toilet but instead of getting up I just lay there and wet my nappy. Of course I had a problem in the morning what was I going to do with the wet nappy and pants, it was one thing putting a white hand towel in the laundry but a somewhat different thing to put a nappy in to wash. All I could think of at the time was to find somewhere to hide them I did was I thought quite ingenious, when I was younger I had been given as a present a set of child size carpentry tools that came in wooden case. With a bit of rearrange of the tools I was able to stuff my wet nappy and pants into the box and close the lid. I then put the case in my brother's room. Why might you ask did I do that, well the reason was that my brother was a bed wetter well into his teens and so the odd smell of wet sheets wasn't an uncommon occurrence. Even so I was a little surprised at the aroma given off by my nappy when a few days later I went to recover it. I have no idea why but I found this to be not unpleasant and still to this day find the smell of a day old wet nappy provocative (strange person that I am). I solved the problem of laundering it by doing all my washing while mum was out at work and my brother next door playing. Mum was ever so pleased that I had washed all mine and my brothers dirty clothes along with his sheets and hung them on the line to dry except my nappy that was folded and stuffed behind the hot pipe in the airing cupboard along with the pants. It wasn't long before my collection of plastic pants had grown I even had different coloured ones.

Sadly though small I as was I was growing and I could no longer fit into the pants I had and had to find away of disposing of them. I came up with the ingenious idea of screwing them up and tying them in a knot, then putting them in my trouser pocket, which had a hole in it. Then whilst playing on the waste ground near our house just letting them drop though the hole down the trouser leg onto the ground. I was then left with the problem of what to do about plastic pants until one day I noticed in one of the shops a new brand of pants that claimed to be softer and stretchier than ordinary ones and they came in extra large size. The trouble was they were more expensive than normal ones. So I went down the slippery slope into crime and nicked a couple of pairs, most kids of my era dabbled in a bit of shoplifting but I doubt many lifted baby things. My biggest haul came when one day I was standing at the counter of the shop where I first bought a nappy with half a dozen in my hand waiting to pay for them. The sales staff were very busy at the other end of the counter so I just slipped them in my bag, picked up another half dozen and waited to pay for them. My collection of baby things had grown from just nappies and pants to include bottle, bibs and of course dummies. I took the realism of being a baby very seriously and never filled my bottle with anything other than proper baby formula even if it was made up with hot water from the tap, instead of how it should be with boiled water from a kettle. But hey you have to improvise when doing things undercover. Talking of improvising I found what I thought was the perfect hiding place, under the bath behind the bath panel which I could remove by just lifting the bath slightly. It was a perfect place to have a nappy bucket with my nappies soaking in napisan (or so I thought more about that later). I was now about 15 and started to have sexual feelings but because it didn't seem right to me. There was an other major problem; I looked about 11 or 12. I never found myself looking for a girlfriend, not that I had any attraction to males it just didn't seem right. I didn't at that time know about Lesbians and Gays.

Also about this time I found myself trying on some of mum's things but they were much too big for me so I didn't bother much. I became shy and introverted a trait that remains with me today. I would on the odd occasion join a couple of the few friends I did have at parties. As I said before I never sought out the girls and they shied away from me, perhaps they could sense I was different. Oh if only I could have found a girl with same feelings as me. Again I had never heard of transsexuals, few people had in 69/70 when all this was taking place. My parents constant fighting didn't help my adolescent development, they would pick then to go through a bad patch but that's life. I had no one to talk to so just struggled on the best I could, also trying to find out just were I fitted into things. Life wasn't helped either by my failing my exams so here I was feeling like the wrong person in the wrong body and thick at the same time. But come bedtime life could be safely left behind and things would be all right in the morning, mind you it helped having the comfort and security of a nappy and sucking on a dummy. So ended the first sixteen years of life. Just after my sixteenth birthday and a month or so before I left school I set out to fulfil an ambition I had had since I was 5. I went to join the RAF; I sailed through the preliminary tests and had to travel to Bristol for final selection tests. Unfortunately whilst waiting for the last set of tests someone offered me a cigarette to help calm the nerves. Well 2 later I was feeling rather poorly and as a consequence I wasn't concentrating so didn't do as well in the test as I should have and failed to qualify for the trade I wanted by 1 point. I was offered an apprenticeship in a few other trades and chose the one I thought sounded the best. Well I had fulfilled my ambition and was in the RAF all that I had to do was wait 6 months for the course to start. I managed to find a job in the furniture department of one of the town's major stores and for the first time in my life I had money a whole £32:6 a week. The best thing though was we had Wednesday afternoon off because of the then tradition of half-day closing.

This meant that with both parents out to work and my brother still at school I was able to wear a nappy during the daytime. Also since I had money I as able to buy more things and it was around this time I bought my first female adult clothes. I bought a full set of underwear a nice skirt and a blouse. I was trembling the first afternoon I had free after my purchases. I had a nice bath, didn't bother shaving didn't have anything to shave actually right up until I was about 20 I only needed to shave every couple of days. After drying myself I stepped in the knickers I had bought and then with some difficulty put on the bra. I had on occasion tried on some of mum's things, but these were mine and fitted, I cannot explain the feeling I had other than that I felt free and more alive than I'd ever been since those early days spent at Cathy's. I knew then that I was definitely meant to be a girl but there was nothing I could do about it. Any way next came the skirt and blouse and although it was the wrong colour mum's wig, which didn't really suit me. I spent the next hour just lying on my bed reading a girl's comic and feeling I was in heaven. Talking of Cathy I had learnt a few years earlier that tragically both she and her parents had died in a car crash. I made up my mind whilst lying on the bed that whenever I was dressed as a girl my name would be Cathy as a reminder of that incredible Christmas I had spent with her. Later that year I had a couple of days off from work and traveled to London in search of a shop that had placed an advertisement in the Sunday paper for plastic incontinence pants. It didn't take long to find the company on the Marylebone Rd and nervously I walked inside. Can I help asked a middle aged lady behind the counter, " Err yes I would like a pair of those plastic pants you advertise", "What size do you want" came the reply. "I don't really know they are for my brother" saying the first thing that came into my head. "Well that isn't a lot of help is it since he's not here and I have no idea of his size", "He's about my size" I stammered. "Well then that's no problem then I'll just get a tape and take your measurements". So I just stood there whilst she put the tape around my waist. A couple of minutes later I was out side with a pair of plastic pants that fitted me and this piece of foam that was supposed to be a reusable insert. Armed with my purchase I was determined to try the pants as soon as possible.

I went into a public toilet and there in the cubical I removed my trousers and pants and put on the plastic pants with the foam insert. I then spent the rest of the day exploring London. It was while I standing in a Queue for the lift up the post office tower a little girl said to her dad that he's wearing plastic pants. I probably went a bright red but her dad said to her just ignore it he must have a problem wetting himself, at this the girl just giggled and took no more notice. Well this shook me a bit and as the day wore on I decided to get rid of my purchase. I was in the science museum when my nerves finally got the better of me and so in the gents I removed the pants and was left with a problem of what to do with them. I couldn't flush them down the toilet so what I did was screw them up and put them in the cistern out of sight. So that was the end of my first pair of adult plastic pants. It wasn't long before I was able to buy another pair in a chemist, which was just as well because despite still being small my other baby pants were getting a bit tight. Amongst my purchases of female clothing was what was a fashion of that period a smock top, this was the closest I could get to having what I classed as a baby dress. When I wore this top it looked just like a little girls dress showing off my pants covered nappy. One Wednesday afternoon I experimented sexually while dressed. I got a couple of pairs of stockings tied them to my ankles lay down on my bed and then to the straps on the side of the mattress thus my legs were spread and then I did the same with my left wrist. There I was spread-eagled on the bed except for my right hand and as you can guess I started to masturbate. While masturbating my thoughts didn't consist of a man taking me but of a woman just rubbing herself between my legs. I can offer no explanation for this since I was still sexually naive and had rarely seen any adult books, oh sure I knew the anatomical differences from lessons we had been given at school. On second thoughts though the seeds could have been sown when we were taken to see a film, as part of a biology lesson. It was called "Naughty" or was it "Carnal Knowledge" one of the two, the film showed scenes of bondage and someone being babied by someone I learnt later was a famous Dominatrix "Monique Von Cleeve" in Holland.

Well things went well for me more or less for the next six months although my parents were still fighting and nearly split up. Then in January 1971 it was time to start my new life in the RAF. I had carefully hidden my stash of baby things and other clothes by putting them in a box in the attic one more box amongst the many others wouldn't be noticed. The next year was spent completing my training for life in the air force. For the most part I was just one of the lads, a lot shorter everyone else and I had some difficulty getting into pubs with them but we got round that problem most trips down town. The only time I had to indulge in my other life that year was a couple of times when I was on leave. At the end of the year we were asked where we would like to be posted to for our first posting in the real Air Force. We had been told that normally for some reason that we would not get our first choice. I put in for a unit that was only 12 miles from home and another that was in Scotland. I reasoned that I would get the second choice and thereby not having to worry about being close to home and being tempted by my other self, because by now I was beginning to have doubts. By luck or fate call it what you will as a reward for doing well throughout the course, only just missing out on a prize I was given my first choice posting. I settled in quite well in my new post and made a few friends going home occasionally at weekends but not being drawn to my stash up in the attic. That didn't last long though and about 6 months later I was wearing a nappy and nightie in bed when I was on leave. Things went well until one day I read an article in a sex magazine about one of the first people to have a sex change. I also read in another one a letter about a man being dominated by his wife and daughter by being put into nappies on his 50th birthday. I don't know why but this worried me and I started to have guilt feelings about that. In fact my fantasies were getting wilder, there was this one fantasy were I would be caught in school wetting myself and taken to a special room for nursery treatment and also to be re-educated as a girl.

Any way I digress one day my guilt feelings were so strong I told my parents about myself. They took it quite well and you can imagine the shock I had when dad told me that he known for sometime about my little secret because he had found my nappy bucket under the bath. Why he never said anything I'll never know I didn't ask and he didn't volunteer the information. At this point I honestly thought that my short career in the Air Force would be at an end. Because Dad was having emotional problems of his own that had needed treatment he was in contact with a social worker and it was decided that she would come and talk to me about how I felt. I told her how I had this need to dress in baby clothes and cross-dress but not that I actually wanted to be a girl and be treated as a baby, that I thought was pushing things a bit too far. The social worker explained that she happened to have contact with head psychiatrist at the nearby RAF hospital and she try and find out what the implication for me would be if I told the Air Force. A couple of days later she came round and explained that I should make an appointment with a specific doctor at my base and that no one knew who I was but he would be expecting the appointment. I was also reassured that although there would be no guarantee I would stay in the service, I wouldn't be punished. I thought it over and after a few days plucked up the courage to go and see the doctor. He was very sympathetic and told me that he would arrange for me to have an appointment with the psychiatrists at the hospital. At this stage I only mentioned being a transvestite. I went home since having finished my shift I had six days off. I didn't say anything to mum that I had seen the doctor but when I returned home from a shopping trip she said that my unit had sent someone to take me to the hospital. Since I wasn't home I had to report to my unit medical centre for the transport up to the hospital and to take overnight things because I was being admitted.

I duly reported as instructed and about an hour later I was walking through the doors of the Psychiatric Unit. I reported to the reception desk and was escorted to the to the ward and shown which was my bed. I was instructed to change into civilian clothes, since the staff only wore uniform and also there was no rank amongst the patients. After a brief tour of the unit facilities and familiarisation with some of the rules I was told that for the rest of the day I was free to do what I wanted as long as I reported back by 17:30 to assist with making tea for the patients. I was also told that my doctor would see me first thing in the morning. As all the other patients were undergoing therapy or tests I decided just to while away the few hours by having a nap. I was soon lying on my bed dozing and as it was pointed out by another patient sucking contentedly on my thumb, (well I had to I didn't have a dummy). This made me a little self conscience and I had to make a very concerted effort not to do it in future, it must have worked because even to this day I find it difficult to suck my thumb at night but then I always have a dummy nowadays. After spending the evening getting to know some of the other patients it was time for bed. The following morning I had my first interview with my doctor. We chatted for what seemed an age and one of the first things I was told was I could only be helped if I wanted to be and the fact I was talking to him was a huge step forward in my treatment regime. He explained that all new patients underwent IQ and other assessment tests and that there were no right or wrong answers but it enabled the staff to assess the personality. There were 4 new patients and we all took our tests at the same time, but we were never told who scored what on the IQ tests. After the written tests I had blood samples taken and then had to go to the general part of the hospital for chest and head x-rays. These tests took most of the morning and the afternoon of that first day was taken up with having ultrasound scans of my head and an EEG. For rest of the week all I did was talk to the doctor and staff about why I thought I was a T.V and after I had plucked up the courage to a few days later why I wanted to be a baby.

I went home for that weekend and on return the following Monday afternoon I was asked would I like to join the twice-weekly afternoon coach trips and the Wednesday swimming session. Of course I said yes. I was then introduced to my group therapy members and for the next 3 months my time was taken up with a couple of hours group therapy each week day morning. Coach trips Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, swimming Wednesday afternoon and trips home at the weekend and totally against the rules a couple of beers in the evening when a friend used to come up and we'd go to the pub. I soon felt like a fraud because it was obvious that some of the patients had real problems and I didn't feel that I did. When I mentioned this to the group I was told it was a normal reaction at first. During these group therapy sessions someone suggested that some kind of aversion therapy might be tried. It was suggested that perhaps I should be required to wear a bib and use a baby bottle at meal times. I showed no reaction to this idea in case they decided to carry it out, sadly they didn't. What was decided was that I should dispose of the majority of my female clothing and all my baby stuff, and to ensure that this happened, one of the groups was to accompany me home to witness the disposal. I did as I was told and got rid of all but a few things. I made a couple of good friends while there and a couple of the wives who were patients. One in particular took a fancy to me, nothing would ever come of it but she soon made it clear that she wished I were a real girl. Another one offered on a couple of occasions to take me home and treat me as a baby if it would help. Well the cosiness of group therapy came to an end one day when I was told that a new form of treatment would be carried out. I now knew why I had been told to keep some of the clothes and not dispose of them with the rest. I had next time I went home to remember to take them back to the hospital with me. Monday morning came and in our daily talk the doctor told me what would happen.

For the next few weeks I would be required to dress in these clothes, in private the only catch was I would have a couple of electrodes on my wrist whose wires would disappear through a partition with a one way mirror behind which a nurse would be sitting. As I progressed with dressing an electric shock would be given of various strengths and a random intervals. Its not easy putting your arms through the sleeves of a smock top with wires attached to your wrist but it is possible, it's a little more difficult still when just as you think you will succeed you get an electric shock. Actually looking back it's a wonder I didn't give up voluntarily when I recall the colours of what I took with me. The bra was just plain white, the knickers orange nylon, the smock top was white with a yellow trim and the skirt was a bright orange and very short. The idea of the electric shocks was to induce physical vomiting at the idea of doing something that needed to be stopped in my case the cross-dressing. After about 3 weeks sure enough the shocks had the desired effect and when this happened three days in a row the treatment stopped. The next morning I was summoned to see the doctor as usual and he told me that there was no further treatment they could offer and that after a week off to recover I would return to my unit. He also told me that in truth there was no real cure for the condition I had. There would be a 95% or more chance that I would dress again and also that my medical grading would show that I was unfit for combatant duties. I never did figure out why I was made non-combatant because at that time only medics and WRAF were non-combatants. Perhaps they knew something I have always felt. I left the hospital totally confused as to why I had spent the last months going through what I had only to be told there was no cure and I couldn't fight, I didn't mind the 2nd bit it meant I couldn't do guard duties etc. It also meant I wouldn't get promotion. I went home and a couple of days later I was in town replacing my nappies and pants and at the same time I bought a school skirt and a pair of navy knickers. After a few years at my first unit I was posted and in heaven because at my new unit the single airman's accommodation had single rooms instead of the more usual 4 man ones.

This meant with more privacy I could actually wear a nappy any night I chose and not have to worry too much. I hid my dummy, bottle and plastic pants behind the grill of my hi-fi speakers when ever there was a chance of an inspection, the pins I kept in my pockets and the nappies were a substitute for the real thing, white bath sheets which would draw no attention. There was no problem with laundry because I would in fact only wear the nappy a couple of days before I usually went to the laundry room and only ever wet it the night before. So for the next few years I was able to get by quite happily. I didn't wear any adult clothes for another 13 years after my electric shock treatment but the need to be a girl was and still is always with me so I guess the treatment sort of worked. I often had dreams and daydreams about what it would be like to be a girl and as I was now putting on weight partly due to trying to be one of the lads and over drinking sometimes that I was pregnant. After a posting to Germany I managed to persuade my boss to look into the possibility of having my medical grading reassessed. He arranged for me to see the medics who in turn arranged for the head RAF shrink in Germany to see me. I was amazed when only a couple of days later I had to go to the medical centre to see him. Instead of me traveling to RAF Germany's hospital he came to the unit I was based. He asked me a few questions and bent me over to see if I was partaking in inappropriate activities and also asked me if I was getting my fair share, to which I simply answered yes although untrue. Any way a couple of weeks later I had to sign a form that said I was now 100% medically fit and once again allowed to be trained in how to kill people. More importantly to me I was eligible once again to be considered for promotion which happened three years later after a delay caused by breaking my ankle in Belize. While I was in hospital with my broken ankle because I was confined to bed I had to use a urine bottle and should have used a bedpan for number 2's.

It was one thing using a bottle but I drew the line at the bedpan and persuaded the nurses that I would be better off using a wheelchair to get myself to the loo. There was one nurse on night duty who got a little fed up of me, and the guy in the bed next to me asking for a bottle more often than one would expect one night. You see we had drunk not only the couple of beers that were brought round twice a week but a few we had had brought in by one of the other nurses. Any way the next time we asked for a bottle she did just that and produced 2 full baby bottles and insisted that she wouldn't bring the bottle we needed until we had finished drinking the contents. My friend said oh that's easy and started to remove the top but she soon put a stop to that and stood between the beds until we had both finished. She brought us the urine bottles as promised but with the threat that if either of us bothered her again she would put an adult sized nappy on us. Sadly I didn't push my luck. While I was recovering from the broken ankle my promotion came through although because of the ankle it was only on an acting basis until such time I made a full recovery. By the summer of 1986 I had been pronounced fully fit and my promotion confirmed so since I had only a couple of years service left having already managed to get a three year extension I arranged to exchange postings with someone from my first unit. I was all set to leave the following year when I was offered another extension to complete a fully pensionable length of service and further promotion in a year or two. Well since the prospect of work wasn't too good at the time I accepted I never did get promoted. I developed arthritis in my bad ankle and was medically downgraded again. By this time my desire to be a woman was becoming stronger and I started to restock my wardrobe. Since by this time I was living at home with my parents and only commuting the 12 miles to the base Air Force life became just a job. Except for the last year of my service I worked a 2 day 2 night 4 off shift I was able to be more adventurous. So it was that on the 1st August 1988 I made my first public appearance dressed as a woman and my real adventures began.

The afternoon passed much to quickly and it was time to leave as I was leaving Anne said that all I had to in future if I wanted to go again was to just call to see if they were open and just pop in. I did that the very next day. After I had been to the TV centre a few times Anne suggested that I looked reasonable enough to go for a walk. "You must be joking" I said but actually wanting to try the experience. "Seriously you will be just fine we've got a nice coat that will fit and a handbag", "I don't know let me think about it". After thinking about it for half an hour or so I turned to Anne and told her I'd give it a go but could I have another cup of tea first. "Ok but you can have the tea when you get back". I was soon wearing a raincoat and said to Anne are you not wearing a coat. "No I don't need one you see I'm not going to be with you" she said with a grin. So with a handbag over my shoulder I stepped out the front door. I turned left towards the side street off the main road, I walked quite quickly perhaps a little too quickly because it was Autumn and there had been a bit of rain the pavement was covered in slippery leaves and just as I turned into the side street I slipped and lost my balance but fortunately didn't actually fall over. A male voice from behind said "you alright love", "err yes thanks" I said in the softest voice I could. And without turning round I carried on walking. I made three more left turns and was soon back in the safe and secure surroundings of the centre. I told Anne of my little mishap and she congratulated me on my accomplishment. After a very much needed cup of tea it was time for me to change and leave. I felt quite good on the train home and on my next and as it happened last walk on my own I went into the newsagents and purchased a woman's magazine.

It was now about late October and Fran asked me one day would I like to go with her and Anne to a TV ball that was held on a regular basis. I told her would love too but since it would be late when it finished I wouldn't be able to get a train back, "Oh there is no need to worry about that you can come back to our place afterwards and stop the night" So it was that I went to my first party as a woman, I was in heaven I even had a couple of dances which is something I would never do as Alan. Actually with my bad ankle it was easier in heels than in normal shoes. Over the next few years I became good friends with Anne and Fran often stopping with them and even standing in for Anne at the centre for a whole week when she was ill. Sadly though they split up and the centre closed and although Anne carried on the dressing service with first his new partner and then later on his own it was never quite the same especially when he was working on his own, perhaps I felt threatened without the support of a female, not that was anything to be threatened by except perhaps my own feelings of confused sexuality. The funny thing was that during the four years or so of going to the centre my baby feelings had subsided to a large extent although most of my visits to the centre would start with me dressing as a baby, progressing to a schoolgirl and then either casually or as a maid. Without the centre to go too and also because I had run up a very large amount of debt I found myself returning to my self imposed shell which although it is hard to believe when you consider my later adventures is still with me. I had a couple years earlier discovered that there was a lady in "Kent" who made baby dresses for adults, I had actually at one time made an appointment to go and see her but sort of chickened out a couple of days before I was due to go and had thought no more about buying a baby dress until now.

Only this time I knew about a place in London called "Stagedoor" which supplied clothes for TV's and where Anne had got the maid's and baby dress I used to wear from. I made another trip into London this time to specifically to buy myself a baby dress. So after this trip I was the proud owner of my very own pink satin baby dress and matching bonnet. All I needed to complete my baby outfit was of course a nappy and some plastic pants, the only thing I could use for nappies was replacement white bath sheets for those I had worn in Germany, plastic pants were incontinence pants of which at the time I found that "Boots" sold the best ones. After a few more trips to "Stagedoor" I asked them if they could make me a nappy if I provided the material, since their answer was yes I purchased some white toweling which they turned into a couple of 36" nappies for me. I was quite content to wear this outfit when ever I could which wasn't often and I also had a strong need to have someone baby me. Once again my thoughts turned to the lady in Kent who by this time was operating a little club for AB's and providing a little nursery for members to go and stay as well as selling baby clothes. I had made up my mind that I had to visit this nursery at all costs and so sent off my membership fee and a week or so later I booked a 24 hr stay at her nursery.

By now its early 1992 and I had purchased my first baby dress and bonnet.  After wearing the dress a few times in the privacy of my bedroom I developed another urge to purge myself of all my feelings and into the rubbish bin went all my baby clothes and other clothing.   I managed to last a few months before the need to do something became too strong again for me to resist so once again I contacted the lady in Kent, only this time it wasn't to make a purchase but to arrange to stay in the nursery she had.  After speaking to her on the phone I arranged go and visit for a 24 hour stay, naturally I never mentioned the fact that I had once made an appointment to measured for a dress which I chickened out of.   So it was on day in June I found myself on a train heading for Gillingham in Kent.  When I arrived I telephoned as directed and was told to look out for a white car.  After what seemed an age the car pulled up and I was then driven to my destination.  Well here it was the point of no return no chance of just walking past the house and returning to the station.  I walked up the steps and followed the man who had driven the car, into the house to be greeted by a large noisy black fierce looking dog.  I was assured I wasn't in any danger and led into the kitchen.  The lady whose house it was greeted me with the reassuring question of would I like a cup tea, I quickly said yes since there isn't quite anything like a cup of tea for helping to calm the nerves.  The tea arrived and mummy Hazel introduced herself and asked me a few questions such as was I boy or girl baby and had I been anywhere else.  The tea good as it was did little to still the butterflies flying around inside my stomach and I took a little longer than I would normally do drinking it.   I’m sorry I haven’t asked you your name@ Hazel spoke in a reassuringly soft voice.  It's Cathy I replied in a very quite voice. Well then Cathy would you like to come upstairs and see the nursery.  Please Ok follow me.  I did as I was told and followed her up the stairs.  When we went into the nursery there in front of me was an enormous pink highchair and when I looked to the right I saw the biggest white cot you could imagine.  I was shown the pile of nappies and plastic pants and where to find nappy pins.  With my hands shaking I began to undress whilst Mummy Hazel went to find some clothes for me to wear.  After undressing I folded a nappy and placed it on the changing mat that was available and then lay down and started to pin it in place, I had just closed the first pin when mummy returned with the clothes. Would you like me to do that, she said in a soft voice. Err its ok, came my timid reply.  I had soon finished pinning the nappy and had stepped into the plastic pants mummy had given me.  Mummy then placed a dress over my head, although I had dressed many times before as a baby this was the first time I had been dressed by someone else.  I was left to quietly soak up the atmosphere of the nursery and for the first time my butterflies began to stay still.  A little while later mummy returned with some food and for the very first time I crawled over to the highchair and mummy was soon locking the tray in place. 

Since it was my first visit and mummy wasn't sure of my likes she had prepared me a salad which was accompanied by a glass of white wine.  I was left to eat my meal and after I finished I sat quietly in the chair feeling very babyish so much so that I had wet my nappy without really realising the fact.  I told mummy this and she said that’s ok we'll get you down and get you into a nice dry one.  I jumped down from the highchair and while mummy folded a nappy on the cot I removed the wet one and placed it in the nappy bucket in the corner of the nursery.  Mummy expertly folded a nice thick terry nappy and a few moments later I was being pinned into it.  The nappy in place mummy replaced my plastic pants and I was once again feeling like the baby I truly am.   A couple of hours later I found myself once again removing my soaking wet nappy and again lying on the cot with a nice thick nappy pinned between my legs, only this time mummy decided that since this was my night time nappy I would wear a disposable nappy under it to cope with the expected greater amount of liquid she expected me to produce.  Once nappied and dressed in a nightie mummy pulled back the pretty nursery print covered duvet and I slipped under it.  Once snugly under the duvet mummy pulled the chair next to the cot a bit closer and gently pulled a pillow along with my head so it gently rested in her lap and then picked up a baby bottle on the dresser next to her and offered its teat to my eagerly waiting lips.  I was in heaven and it wasn't long before the milk in the bottle was finished.  My feed over mummy again gently eased the pillow and my head back on to the cot and then walked over to other side of the room picked up the side of the cot and placed it in place, so there I was lying for the first time in over 35 years in a fully enclosed cot feeling even more like a baby than even a few minutes before.  The cot is so well proportioned that I felt really really small.  The cot side in place mummy walked over to the nursery door and as she exited she slowly turned down the light using a dimmer switch so there was just a faint glow like you might find in a normal sized baby's nursery.  Nite Nite baby sleep well, she said leaving, nite nite mummy thank you, I replied.  After she left it was it was only a minute or so when I fell in to a deep contented and relaxed sleep.  Some time during the night I woke needing to wee and of course since I was wearing a nappy I simply lay there on my back and did just that.

When I finished I simply turned over and went back to sleep when again at some point I woke again with the same urge, this time I simply lay on my side and went.  This was a mistake because it seemed most of what came out leaked and soaked the sheets.  I was terrified because I thought that I would be subject to Mummy’s automatic fine for wetting the furniture (its actually a fine to prevent careless babies from wetting her everyday furniture like the sofa etc and as far as I know she has never had to invoke it, but I didn't know this at the time).  I spent most of the night trying to get the sheet dry by using my body heat to achieve it.  I succeeded and by the time mummy came back into the nursery to wake me.  I pretended to be asleep as she slowly removed the cot side and gently said morning baby its time to get up.  I pretended to wake and slowly rolled out from under the duvet onto the floor.  We need to get you nice and clean and dry before you have breakfast@ mummy said so she told me to take off my very wet nappies and place the terry one in the nappy bucket and the disposable in a nappy sack.  Once my nappies were off she lifted my nightie over my arms handed me a towel and sent me off to the bathroom for a shower.  I had my shower and shaved (it’s the one thing I wish I could afford not to have to do I hate it), then returned to the nursery where mummy had once again folded a nappy ready for me.  Thickly a nappied and dressed I was helped into the highchair and the tray was locked in place.  Mummy tied a bib round my neck and left only to return a few minutes later with a bowl of baby cereal and tippy cup of juice.  After getting down from the highchair, mummy proceeded to take my measurements because I had decided that once again I should have my very own baby dress.  The outfit I had chosen consisted of a pink yoked dress with matching waterproof pants, a white petticoat and white pinafore.  Sadly it was soon time to return to the so called real world and get ready to leave the magical one I had found.  After a cup of tea I was soon at the railway station saying goodbye to Mummy with a promise to return.  So there I was standing on the platform with a feeling of contentment I had had for a long time.  I felt as though I could walk on air.  The train came and soon I would be home from a trip that was to change my life for ever.